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I don't write anymore. Think about that sentence. I don't write anymore seems like a simple enough statement. There are no connotations and it's pretty obvious that I just don't write anymore. I don't. But along with my lack of writing has sprung my lack of so many other things.

I am a person I never thought I would be. Somehow I became an adult, even though I'm still not sure what that means exactly. I pay my bills, I have no time for sheer happiness and even things like buy that $300.00 Coach Purse don't make me happy. You know it's bad when you self-dictated therapy doesn't work anymore. My coping mechanism are all dried up. Instead, I go through the motions.

I don't want anymore. I never find myself yearning for anything, unless it's a pineapple smoothie from the store up the street. When did I lose passion and fire? When did I stop being myself and become a shadow of the woman I should and can be?

The saddest part, is that I don't remember how to go back.

It's been a hard days night




The sound of my heart, beating in my chest. It floods my ears and suddenly I'm lost in its slowly increasing rhythm. I can't hear anything going on around me. Ive succumbed to my emotions.  Your hand brushes mine. It's accident, but it feels like its meant for me to feel. I want to pull away, but I know, that inside all I want to do is let you hold all of me. Not my hand, but my whole heart.  My whole being. It's not sexual, as someone would assume. It's personal, heartfelt. All I want is for you to understand the sadness and despair I feel when I look into your soul. That soul that seems so vast it could go for miles and is so pure, it cannot possibly be tainted by badness. At this moment, I'm struck with envy. Why are you blessed with such opportunity and I am left dark and hollow. My soul is left to search the ends of the world until it finds something to make it whole and you, you are so lucky to have been privileged to have peace.  That is all I want. All I long for.

Your hand brushes mine again. It's accidental, but my heart flutters none the less. I shouldn't be doing this, but it seems I have no control.  You are peeling my layers off. The facade I portray so well is wearing thin and suddenly I'm naked. My soul has been shown and I know not what to do. Do I show you everything I am?  Do I give in to my darkest fears and show you the weak, scared girl I am below the surface. Or do I pick up the pieces and pretend I never wept, never let my guard down.  

You have caught me without my defenses. 

I have yet to know if I will ever pick myself back up in your eyes or remain weak and childish.

Just Thinking.

I have had a yearning to write, to get it all out. Maybe that means something...

I'm six years old,
and I cant seem to get back on my feet.
I've been spinning round and round
and somehow, knocked the wind out of me.

It hit me fast,
I didn't want that moment to last..
any longer than it had to.
I was terrified,
but you'd never know
because I didn't cry.
No, I'll never cry.

I'm 12 years old,
I'm lost.
Alone in my little world.
Surrounded by faces,
that have no names,
and couldn't care less about who I am.

(Chorus)It hit me fast,
I didn't want that moment to last..
any longer than it had to.
I was terrified,
but you would never know
because I didn't cry.
No, I'll never cry.

I'm Sixteen. 
And I'm caught somewhere between a woman
and a girl.
It makes me laugh,
because I'm trapped.
And he's stupid because he doesn't even know.

(Chorus)It hit me fast,
I didn't want that moment to last..
any longer than it had to.
I was terrified,
but you would never know
because I didn't cry.
No, I'll never cry.

I'm twenty and it hits me.
I've wished away my life before me.
It passed before my eyes and I didn't realize...No, I didn't realize.

It hit me fast,
I should've wanted it all to last.
To really breathe it all in.
I was terrified,
and that moment i realized,
I should have let you in.
I should have let you in.

I never let you in.

But, I should have let you...

three. little. words.

I love you.

Enough with Naivete

I'm not going to tag anyone. If you want to read this, read it. Do not judge me. Do not pity me. Do not tell your story about how I ripped your heart out. This is my story, my confession. Not yours.

After too many serious relationships, playing the field is what I used to live for. I loved the thrill of the chase, knowing that I had something, or someone, to work for. The excitement is what always did me in. I longed for the adrenaline rush I got when someone new kissed me or reached for my hand. It felt like i could never get enough of that feeling. Thus, I always jumped from guy to guy.

It wasn't a malicious thing at all. I never did stop to think that I could hurt someone or even hurt myself. It was all fun and games for me. I realized that if you say and do the right things, you can get almost anything and anyone you choose. All you have to do is make a guy believe you are what he is looking for. And with the right conversation and the right hesitation, at the right moments, it is completely possible.

Perhaps the best cure for anyone's shortcomings is a taste of their own medicine. I got a spoon full. I found someone who was just as good, if not better, at toying with hearts. At saying all the right things and making all the right moves. He was a pro. He had charm, good looks and kissed me exactly how I wanted to be kissed, how every girl wants to be kissed. I felt wanted, safe and secure. Thinking, hell, i found someone that can finally keep up with me and keep my blood pumping.

I was wrong.

Sure, I found someone that could keep up with me, but I also found a man that could finally break my heart. Ruin me. He could play me as well as I played all the boys that I left with broken hearts.

I was naive enough to believe that I could make him want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him. Needless to say, I learned my lesson.

I will never again be naive enough to believe that I can make a player quit his game.
I have burned many bridges in my lifetime, however short of a span it has been thus far, but  I know that each bridge I burned, was necessary for me to make the journey across another.  I do not regret the things I have done in life, but I do feel remorse for the pain that these actions have caused to others.  Thus, I would like to state now, that I have the most sincerest apologies for whomever I have trespassed against.  I hope that one day, we may all be able to put the past behind us.

Cry baby, cry.


Nothing at all.

When The Sun Comes Up

Every time your lips brush mine I feel a sudden rush of intoxication.  Every muscle tenses and quickly releases.  It's as if my heart stops at the sight of you and quickly starts again once my brain realizes that you are all mine.  Every bit of you.

I cannot even begin to explain what it feels like to lie next to you in bed, with your arms wrapped around me protectively and your face nuzzled into the nape of my neck, breathing in the scent of my hair. 

You will never understand the bliss I feel when I hear the words "I love you" escape your lips.  It's as if no other person has said i with such meaning.  Even my body realizes it.

I love you.  I love you with everything I have.  

& I want you to know that you are absolutely amazing.

Baby, Baby, Baby, Bring Me Down.

Sometimes bliss doesn't require ignorance.
Late nights always get me thinking, which I actually enjoy...most of the time. Tonight, I'm having heavy thoughts, and not the kind of thoughts that are tragic, or depressing, just heavy. They are weighing me down. I have so many questions that need answering.

Late nights like this started about a month ago. I have developed anxiety so bad, that I can't control it myself. I now need medication to keep myself under control, and I'm not ashamed to say that. I can't help that it is very difficult for me to control my stress and anxiety. I am learning how to deal with it. And every day, I get better and better. But, it isn't just because I have started taking medication. It's because I started taking risks and answering my own questions.

I started saying what I feel, without worrying about what others might think. For too long, I have been seeking the approval of those around me and it has got to stop because I can't handle it anymore. I can't be perfect. I can't be in every place at once. I can't be 100% committed to every little thing I am involved in, I just can't it's impossible. I've done it for so long and I can't let it be a part of me.

And, I'm going to let go and just be care free, and try things. I can't live in fear all of my life. That will get me no where.

Today my book is opened to a new chapter.